pastgrasper89's Blog


Got to wake up between my husband and his best friend... lol No kinky stuff, just a camping trip. I wish I had pretended to be asleep and moved closer to him but I didnt... I was a good girl :( Still a great memory!

Life and everything sucks!!!!!!!

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Feeling a little crushed

Well another random post on a page that no one knows exist. .... Reason for the title. ... I have this ex who I get along with, him and I have an ok friend ship and both know it's nothing more than that. I love him to death and on my most depressing days yeah I have thought what if... any ways, He has a new girl friend...That's great because to here his mother tell it he hasn't had a serious relationship since us. His new GF sent me a friend request on FB and I accepted it. No reason at all we couldn't be friends, I went to school with her too. So I noticed I hadn't seen any post from them and looked at their pages and WHAT DO YA KNOW they had both deleted me. I'm not gonna say anything about it, not gonna ask questions or even share with other friends that they have done this. I don't need or want to cause any problems, it just hurts that our friendship and long past has no future of staying connected because apparently I am some how a threat to their relationship. Oh well, I guess all you can do about it is cry and move on. I am friends with all of my exes that I have ever been serious with......but I sort of feel like I am truly loosing him now. Guess he's not mine to loose. I love my husband with all my heart...But He still hold that special place in my heart and has no clue that he has the power to make it hurt deep inside. :*( Ok enough of that.......Maybe it's out of my system.      Ad on: he had his mom delete me too....that really hurt!

WTH have I done????????

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Can't trust anyone

Well we all know it to be true but I'm still gonna say it. You can't fucking trust anyone! THey all want you to keep secrets but no one can fucking keep yours. So I fucking helped a friend catch her POS boyfriend.... She doesn't want people to know I halped and neither do I ! Yeah he is a friend of mine to but hell he could have just as easily not done what he done. YOu tell one person you think can keep a secret but what do they do stab you in the fucking back. Guess what... they can all go to hell. I'm done talking I'm done explaining and guess what else I'm done with......keeping everyone's fucking secrets. If you can't keep my name out of the mix then I'm not gonna do you any favors by keeping stuff to myself.... I hope everyone is ready for my gut spill!!!!!!!!!! Cause I have dirt on everyone and if my names gonna be drug threw your dirt your names gonna be drug threw your own dirt. Time to clean it all up! Fuck it ALL! I don't have one decent friend left so what do I have to loose?
My mood: pretty pissed

Best Friend

OK so my best friend found out she is pregnant....she is married...almost threw college  so you would think no big deal right!!!!!!!!!!! SO WRONG! She has flipped her damn lid...but being her friend I am doing everything I can to support her and be on what she calls (her side) I just don't know what to say or what not to say to her one day she's happy one day it's the end of the world and her life is over. She says she is going to resent the child like her mother did her... I'm just like yeah if you want to be just like ur mom ... Who she swears she will never be like! Anyone have any good ideas on how to make her see it's not the end of the world? Her husband has a kid from a previous marriage but she says it will end her carrier (acting) because she cant act with a baby. OMG! Her biggest fear was her first. She could have serious heath problems with this but the doctors seem to think she will be fine... That day she was happy , today she is mad at me for telling here I'm not gonna say anything to make her mad at me. She's been my best friend forever... I was happy for her when she got married because she told me to be even though she knew I thought it was a huge mistake! Now I'm happy they are having a baby but I cant say I'm happy for you because she doesn't want it. RED heads! IDK if I can make it threw this pregnancy with her... But like I told her...I love her(not the baby or her husband) I'm here for her! so I hope she will see that I'm just trying to be a good friend to her and not be a bitch either way..... I refuse to be the bad guy here.

2013 update

There have been a lot of things on my mind lately....One is my weight! I lost a lot of weight when my doctor put me on some weight loss meds and I done great for over a year! I have been off the meds since April of last year and havent been on a scale...I was so scared! I took my son on vacation and had to be weighed for a ropes course and when I got on the scale I almost cried! I have gained back every pound I had lost.... My major down fall soda!~ Mt. Dew all of them! Something has got to change though... I have noticed that when I staned up I get a little light headed I'm afraid it might be my blood preasure! So I have a major reason to lose the weight I just dont think I'm strong enough!

With the guys in my life.... The ex that I have talked to in the past....we talked for a while and got kindda close..just online. We talk almost everyday for about two weeks, things got a little personal and he started acting like I was bothering him with short snappy replys so I took a hint and stopped talking to him except for the occasional "How's school?"....As for my husband bf...Idk It isn't going anywhere and I dont plan for it tooo..I guess that's just one of those things that will just have to be! In the last weeks though he is doing better and not doing all the drugs he has been and acting ALOT better...I have caught my self making eye contact on purpose letting him know I really am paying attention when he speaks to me. As for everyone else things are just about the same...........I wish someone would read this and throw some advice my way!
My mood: a bit bummed

Things are always changing

Well the other day my husband best friend and his girl friend split up... The night it happened I was so worried. He was mad and left and wouldnt talk to anyone so he was MIA. Had me worried all night long until he called my husband the next day to see if they were going hunting. I was glad he was ok. SO he comes up and they go..I cooked for them like I always do. Well he goes to the bathroom and I ask my husband where he's gonna stay. I pretty much insisted that my husband offer him to stay with us. He has stayed with us alot and I figured if he's here I don't have to worry about him. He was safe. My husband actually said to him "I think she was more worried about you than your mom was" I probably was, It's no secret to anyone who has read my blog that I've had a thing for him for a while but I am just naturally caring person and have "motherly instencts" like a bear. I just wish I could hold him and be his friend and show him someone cares but I can only do so much with out crossing that line. I wouldnt mind if he stayed here forever. I don't know what else to do but I hope with him around I dont' start showing my true feelings that could cause a riot lol. Oh and I'm still trying to be HER friend too. Just trying to be supportive. Damn you soft side.

Helping hand

So I'm helping an ex with his math class in college. By helping I mean doing his homework online. It's only like 30% of the grade and I'm sortof getting something out of it. I love math and it gives me something to do and focus on for the little time I'm working on it. Myhusband doesnt know because he would flip a lid. I'm seeing the guy in person just really telling im what grade I make on the homework on chat. He does all the test himself, I'm jut freeing up some of his time for him. I feel since I get a lot of pleasure out of it  I'm not really doing it for him. Sometimes he acts like he is so thankful and then other times he is like thanks but the test are all that matter. I love this guy to death but even back a LONG time ago when we were dating he was always odd about showing feelings so I think he is thankful but doesn't want to cross the line and be too thankful. lol It's ok tho that's a part I undrstand. Anyways just ranting.

....just another one reads these things anyway!

This past weekend ROCKED.. We went out of town by we I mean me,the husband, husbands bf and his gf. lol So we partied pretty hard aleast I did. My one and only time getting really f***ed up. We had a time. Monday was ok but everyone was still in a stooper from saturday night. lol Yesterday sucked. Got out and had a flat tire........SOB and almost got it changed all by myself. After that my day was pretty shot. I had a weird dream last night about going to a camp... at my age... and being in co-ed cabins and bunk beds ened to end. I slept in one and my feet were touching a guys that was sleeping in the next bunk. It felt like he placed them there on purpose....he wasnt a guy from my real life. It was like we were playing footsie in our sleep. The next day the girls in the cabin where saying he really liked me...(he was sort of the bad boy type from the movies.) but apparently one of my friends that wasnt at the camp like him. I was trying to tell everyone they were crazy, I was married and there was nothing to worry about. But deep down I felt it to when our feet were touching. Any ways I woke up don't know any more than that and I have problems with shit like this because I get emotional when i get that feeling. dream or no dream. Some of the people in the dream where real friends of mine. I'm so lost and i have lost my damn mind...

Waisting my Time(personal)

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To tell The TRUTH

SO if you have read any of my past blogs you know I am married, cling to my past and have recently fell in love with my husbands best friend. To make things much worse I am pretty close friends with the other guys girl friend. We hang out all the time and she has let me in on some pretty extreme secrets...and she hold some of mine. I don't know hwat happened the other day, if it was just wanting to be honest with my husband or just getting tired of her running aound on her boyfriend or what but I told my husband everything she had done.....I felt awful but he swore he wouldnt say a I knew better because he has a big mouth and never keeps secrets. So the next day she calls me and said her boyfriend knew everything and wanted to leave. Now I have done it! Only I havent caused anything.... they are still together...the dumbies! My husbands friend says she doesnt know who told him but deep down I know she knows it was me :( I feel bad! I blame myself 50% her 25% and my husband 25% AAAHHH 

The past is just as much a mystery as the future!

My dream have started getting strange on me again. I've had a few ex dreams but last nights dream took the cake as being the most out there dream I've had in a while." So me, my husband, my husbands friend, his girl friend and my son where all in a field (normal for us, we live on a farm). We were feeding cows or some animal and had to cross an electric fence (normal). Well my husbands friend touched the fence and instead of the normal shock (pop) you would get, he starts convolsing as if his muscles had the electricity running threw them. Laying on the ground his left arm had snapped in two places. Completely seperated from his body, not so much a gross dream because instead of blood and nasty stuff  his muscle and tussue looked like elastic string, really thin and all different colors. Anyway, after this happens his other arm goe to do the same thing, I was the closes person and the only thing I could think to do is message the muscle in his are seeing as how that's what was happening, like a muscle spasm. And some how in this dream it worked. I layed across his body and messaged his are and saved him from loosing his other arm. After the spasm was over it kissed me on the head and thanked me for saving him. And we all walked out of the field, I'm guessing we were heading to the hospital for the other arm." I don't know what that dream ment but it sure was crazy. As for real life, nothing that exciting has happened. I don't know how to raed the new signs I'm getting from him. It's almost like he is testing me to see how I react to the things he says. He has started talking about other girls alot, the other day him and my husband were watching a hunting show and he said "I wish (his girlfriend) had bigger boobs" , I have what you would call a larger chest and her "not so much". I kind of joked about big boobs hanging down and he was like I don't care. I kept saying stuff like "you don't need another woman" and trying to be the friend I soulb be being. All I can think is "WHY NOT ME?"  . Today he was asking me when a friend of mine was coming back over which hurt a little. For the past two days he has rubbed the top of my head and said "you're my little buddies wife" normally when the conversation brings it up but he does it like he's trying to convince himself of it. And this one kind of got my hopes up, we were standing at the door and I was pooring his girlfriend left overs from supper in a bowl and her and I were talking. I happened to glance up and he was looking up (head down texting) looking at me. I think I might have caught a short you caught me grin and then it was gone. I hope I didn't read that wrong because it made me smile. Ok last thing for tonight. I told everyone about this dream (minus the me saving him and him thankig me parts) just because I tend to have dreams that connect to real life. Any way when I told him about this he said "You must be thinking some awful stuff about me" I was just like No I'm not  it's just one of those crazy dreams I have. And he said "They say you dream about what you think about" and I couldn't reply but I wanted to say "If you only knew how much I think about you, you would understand my crazy dreams." Well I promised that would be the last thing so I hope everyone who reads this gets akick out of it and everyone who doesn't read it should be kicked. Night everyone!
My mood: pretty groovy

Makes my heart beat a little faster

They other day we went fishing and it was the first trip that we got to sit on the same bench seat on the boat. Early morning and it's really cold, we get in the boat one at a time, first my b-i-l, next me, then him, then my husband. I postition myself on the middle bench as always, not in the center but I could have been closer to the side. See that day was different we had and extra person which ment we would be seat buddies, not that I minded at all. He sat beside me as if there was just barely enough room for the two of us, with several inches on each side near the water. I was kind of starttled at how close we were not because I didn't want to be that cloase but because we have never been that close. That's where I had longed to be for a while now. Once the bost was moving things got a little confusing. It was cold, and foggy. With every wave I nugged a little, using the motion of the boat as an excuse to increase contact. When just like it was ment to be, and what seemed like a "lets get a little closer" feeling I got on the side of my body. It was as if he was resting against my side......My heart raced as my mind tried to untanggle the feelings, and just like it went. Not with the motion of the boat but with a thought "someone could notice". The rest of the day we bobbed and weaved, trying to share the middle of the boat, joking like always. I craved every little touch.. I made the littlest acts last longer in hopes of getting that feeling back. On the ride back things were soo much different and so was the light we were in, daylight had brought sight and I could no longer risk being seen staring at him. We rode on our bench like there was a hole in the middle of the boat. Maybe next time.........maybe there will be a next time. I will make sure that there is. Until then I can't help but let him catch me looking or make up excuses to get a few seconds alone.


Well all of this is leading no where except maybe to and uncomfortable friendship. Sometimes his look says "I understand, I'm just waiting for a sign" then other times it says"what's up with that look you're giving me". I honestly don't think any of it is going any where. The feeling are still there they just aren't as strong as they have been. If we had two minutes to talk with out everyone around some hope might be found but I guess I'm just gonna have to get over this one. Maybe one day, a long time from now I will find a way(or someone) to take my mind off of all of this. A few good things have come out of all of this; my house is clean and i have lost some weight. I've stayed too busy to do too much snacking.

Baby steps?

Tomorrow could hold some answers to the questions I have been keeping in my head.  Ofcourse the questions aren't coming out but I'm gonna try to get some answers. He will be here just shortly before my husband gets off of work and  that's when things seem to go well, when we are alone. I know why he wouldn't act funny around him and that may be why I haven't gotten any signs that I thought I was getting. Tomorrow I hope I either get some positive feed back or nothing at all. If nothing then I may be a little crushed but life will go on as usual. Wish me luck if anyone reads this.
My mood: a bit guilty


I don't know what life is going to bring tomorrow... One day is great, the next is a disaster. What happened to that stability we use to have. I love you sooo much and then all I can think about is how long I have prayed that my past would come and sweep me off my feet and save me from you. Now I'm afraid that it could happen and I'm so scared that I wouldn't resist. You are my vowed one and only but my heart can't except that. Why? I know I never let go of the others but why can't I atleast move on.? I have tried to stop wondering and saying what if... but it ALWAYS comes back to that.

Life in the country

All my life I wanted a good ol country boy. I've been married to one for over 2 years now and everything has changed.

1-15 of 15 Blogs   

Previous Posts
:), posted June 3rd, 2014
Life and everything sucks!!!!!!!, posted November 8th, 2013
Feeling a little crushed, posted August 26th, 2013
WTH have I done????????, posted July 24th, 2013
Can't trust anyone, posted April 9th, 2013
Best Friend, posted March 25th, 2013
2013 update, posted February 11th, 2013
Things are always changing, posted November 29th, 2012
Helping hand, posted October 24th, 2012
....just another one reads these things anyway!, posted September 26th, 2012
Waisting my Time(personal), posted September 4th, 2012
To tell The TRUTH, posted August 28th, 2012
The past is just as much a mystery as the future!, posted April 10th, 2012
Makes my heart beat a little faster, posted April 2nd, 2012
Unsure, posted March 28th, 2012
Baby steps?, posted March 25th, 2012
Confused, posted August 17th, 2011
Life in the country, posted August 16th, 2011

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